Chuck calls ahead to let everyone else know that he has important things to do in his life, things far more important than attending lunch with the likes of us. He will, however, deign to show up and run his game. Bruce (Goat Gulgusskun) is so excited by this news that he immediately starts stuttering, an outbreak that lasts until Chris (Caleb Kagan) administers "tough love" therapy with a brick. Chuck explains that a "lurpa" is a Star Trek weapon, and not a reference to William Shatner's anatomy. Paul (Bob the Saurk) just sags back in his chair, thinking, "William Shatner's abdomen... Ooooohhh...." A thin trickle of drool escapes from the corner of his mouth. Tim (MP Smith) confesses that he will only be able to show up for lunch, but he can spend some time caricaturing Rush Limbaugh playing out the roles of the Baron Harkonnen from Dune and an undead revenant from Lucius Shepard's novel Green Eyes. Billy (Mister Yong) admits that he already knows that only a small clique of crazed survivalists in Montana actually buy DP9 books. Ernest (Liz Blessing) manages to evade all this ugliness by eating some fermented snails on Saturday evening.
Caleb Kagan tells everyone else that they have to wait around for twenty-four hours waiting for Alexis Cavanaugh to report back on who the next MilGov will be. He proposes that he and Bob the Saurk should do what they can to hack the New Saigon phone system and listen in on Stitches' phone calls. They find that this a surprisingly difficult task. Caleb finds out that the toughest part is working with Bob the Saurk, who rather dreamily enthuses to him, "We can be a TEAM!" Caleb yells down into the galley, "GOAT! If I catch you putting stimulants into Bob's food again, I'll make you sleep with him!" Goat Gulgusskun grumbles something unintelligible back from the galley.
Upset at his rather unimpressive success at tapping Stitches' phone calls, Caleb Kagan decides to try and wash away the dirty feeling he got from Bob the Saurk's behavior by tapping into the New Saigon phone-sex industry. He is unbelievably successful. He spends most of the day listening to other people enjoying phone sex: "Press 1 for blonde, 2 for redhead, 3 for brunette, 4 for Chicken Lady, 5 for William Shatner, 6 for hot Chick-on-Yak action... You have pressed 6..."
Goat Gulgusskun decides to go walking around in the city, looking for Stitches. Mister Yong indicates that if Goat can find him, then he can follow him around. Goat has become increasingly concerned about the fact that Caleb no longer changes his clothing or bathes, and sometimes snaps at other group members "Go away! I'm Batman!" Goat's efforts are ultimately not successful, but they do inspire Caleb to do some investigation. Caleb traces Stitches to a sleazy hotel on the edge of the city. Goat thinks about how Caleb's ongoing Batman fetish might actually be making him a better investigator. Goat shudders. Caleb heads out to buy some tracking equipment.
The first conversation Caleb intercepts is on the subject of what sort of permanent strategies are available for dealing with the junkie chick and her friends. Caleb gets the idea that these things might be planned to happen quickly, possibly after Stitches' uncle Czar Nicki is dealt with.
The second conversation is much shorter and to the point. Stitches tells one of his buddies that his uncle is at "the villa." This would be more helpful if any of the characters knew where the villa was. Then Mister Yong asks the others, "Say, this would be Czar Nicki's villa, right? And we've been dealing with his daughter Alexis Cavanaugh, right? And she would probably know where her father's villa is, right? So why don't we just call her and ask?" Caleb carefully listens to this plan, then decides that even if Mister Yong is a shaved research subject, he has the makings of a top-notch investigator. Unlike, for example, Goat.
Caleb makes contact with Alexis Cavanaugh and arranges a meeting at Machiavelli's Italian Grill and More. They have excellent calzones. And plain, white rice. The characters sit down at their table, order a round of stewed seafood calzones, and wait for Alexis.
She shows up a few minutes later with a couple of goons in tow. She also proves very willing to tell the characters where the villa is. The problem is that it is on a private island about 150 miles off shore. The characters very quickly decide that there are several noise-related drawbacks to taking a spaceship in. Goat Gulgusskun is very much in favor of getting some zodiacs with electric motors and silently slipping in. Mister Yong suggests, "Why don't we HALO in?" Goat looks squarely at him and asks, "You mean with the high altitudes and the breather masks and the parachutes? Like real live special ops guys? Are you insane?" Mister Yong mentions rather quietly, "I was thinking from near orbit. I am the psychic brain-monster, I can do things like that." Goat replies, "Not today, you're not..."
Caleb asks Alexis about local dangerous aquatic life forms. She tells him that there is a type of voracious fish the size of a barracuda with a pituitary problem. That's really the only problem. Except for a type of small fish that thinks rubber tastes like yummy yummy seaweed and which schools in groups of thousands. Caleb listens to the description and comments, "So, they sound like an army of aquatic Homer Simpsons."
Alexis also advises that she has the ability to get satellite surveillance photos of the island. The layout of the complex is not too complicated: one large two-story building and a series of smaller outbuildings.
Liz Blessing gets tapped to pilot the Blue Lady in afterwards to extract the characters. Bob the Saurk grumbles, "I trust the autopilot more than I trust that doped-out chickadee." Caleb Kagan and Goat Gulgusskun head out into the marketplace to buy zodiacs and water-survival gear. Desirable gear includes:
| Weapon | ACC | DM | Range | RoF | Ammo | Cost | Weight |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Fujisonysan Spider Silk Webgun | -1 | NA | 5/10/20/40 | 0 | 5 | 250/25 | 2 |
Total cost for equipment is Cr 5875. Each character fronts Cr 1500 to cover expenses, even Bob the Saurk, who grumbles about having to pay for this equipment. Caleb asks him, "Be serious. What are you doing with your money anyway, except for converting it into cash and sleeping on it?"
The initial assault plan has Liz dropping off the assault group from the Blue Lady 50 miles out from the island. Caleb listens to Goat describing how it will only take 3 hours to motor in from the drop point. He is incredulous, "You seriously mean that we're going to be in open ocean for three hours on an inflatable raft? Are you entirely cracked? We're going to rent a bigger boat that can take us in closer. And by the way, might I point out that you grew up in the same hyper-urban sprawl that I did, and that the biggest body of water you've ever been on was your bathtub." Mister Yong adds, "But I bet Goat has seen a lot of movies that use a lot of nautical words." Bob the Saurk joins in on the discussion, asking, "Did anyone think to learn anything about water navigation? I didn't think so. I'm buying an ocean navigation program for my PDA."
The characters revise their plan to include a Cr 700 rental of a sport fishing boat. And a few hundred more credits for the boat captain, who is understandably a bit suspicious about the fact that the characters aren't bringing along any actual fishing gear, but are well-equipped with zodiacs, NVG's, tactical gear, and weapons. Liz is informed that she will only be needed to pick the characters up after the job is complete.
The characters motor their way up to the cliffs, then let Mister Yong telekinetically lift them all to the top. Except for Bob the Saurk. Bob decides that nobody but nobody is going to telekinetically lift him anywhere. He proceeds to climb the cliff on his own. Saurks might not look like they're built for climbing, but they really are. Caleb, Goat and Mister Yong all meet Bob at the top.
From the cliff, the characters sneak their way across the open field. Bob snarls out, "Goat! Shut that flashlight off!" Goat responds, "But how am I supposed to see without a flashlight?" Bob reminds him, "Use your NVG's!"
Caleb breaks off from the rest of the group early to cover the house with his sniper rifle. He is able to see three guys in a golf cart driving across the grounds towards the characters. The characters look for places to hide, and discover that this entire end of the island is open like a golf course fairway. Caleb opens fire on the golf cart while the other characters make a break for the house. He stands with the moon behind him and blazes away while two of the guys in the golf cart open fire on Goat.
Goat runs for his life, only narrowly evading both gunfire and an attempt by the golf cart driver to run him down. Caleb helps out by shooting the driver twice. Goat reaches the house with bullets hitting the ground all around him. He decides that he's had enough of being shot at. He spins around and unleashes a full-auto burst of gauss carbine fire at the golf cart driver, killing him instantly. Caleb (crouching down to reload) comments, "I bet he forgot to raise his driver's side window." Goat congratulates himself until a guard in the house shoots at him from the back.
Bob the Saurk and Mister Yong reach the house without taking any damage. Bob the Saurk climbs in through a window into the lounge. He pushes in into the house and confronts two security guards with shotguns. He easily evades their attacks, advances on one and cuts him in half. Then continues on to a second guard and cuts him in half as well. And then Stitches comes up from the flank with a combat knife and goes toe-to-toe with Bob. Bob comes up on the comlink, "Do we care about Stitches?" Caleb comments, "You mean that stupid bastard decided to get into a fight with Bob and forgot to bring his own saurk? I don't think we care about him, kill his ass." Bob decides on a whim to try incapacitating Stitches and taking him captive. He slams into him with a stun baton, crushing ribs. Oddly, even though Stitches is staggered by the impact he pretty much shakes off the electric shock. Stitches staggers back, giving a nearby guard a chance to nail Bob with a shotgun. Bob shakes off the impact, then hits Stitches square in the skull with his inaptly named "stun baton." Bob is dismayed to realize that his last hit killed Stitches instantly.
Having finished disposing of Stitches, Bob the Saurk runs straight into a shotgun-wielding goon and cuts him severely. He finds himself hard-pressed by three guards. He yells for "Help!", then discovers that he can attack (and kill) all three guards in one massive attack. He clears the room. Turns out he didn't need the help nearly as much as he'd thought.
Meanwhile, back outside the building Goat has found himself trapped between one of the house guards and the two guards from the golf card. The house guard gets Goat square in the back with a shotgun blast, inflicting a Deep Wound in spite of the fact that Goat spent both a Genre Point and an Emergency Die to avoid the injury. Goat holds his innards in and tells Mister Yong, "Shoot him! Shoot him now!" Mister Yong obliges, but doesn't actually manage to hit anything. He rather despairingly suggests that he should simply use his gun as a thrown projectile. Then Goat gets shot twice more, suffering a second Deep Wound. He manages this much only by expending his last two Genre Points and three Emergency Dice. He decides that the best plan is definitely to sag down to the ground and play dead.
Caleb relieves some of the pressure on Goat by taking down the guard in the window. Goat thanks him wordlessly as he shoots up on painkillers. A second later, Goat is so heavily dosed he barely even realizes that he is wounded. He pulls out his portable surgical kit and commences stapling himself up.
Mister Yong telekinetically hurls a concussion grenade at the golf cart. The explosion is enough to overturn the golf cart and kill one of the two surviving guards. He follows it with a second grenade that kills the remaining guard.
Caleb notices a second golf cart with three guys in it approaching from the other side of the building. He opens fire on the driver. The driver notices Caleb's position and brings the cart in close. The guards pile out of their cart and take cover, then do their best to pin Caleb down with a steady diet of shotgun fire. Caleb takes his second flesh wound. He is thinking that things are not going too well until Mister Yong telekinetically tosses another grenade behind the cart and knocks out one of the guards. Caleb gets into the act by tossing a stun grenade behind the cart, taking out the second guard. His last words to his comrade were, "Dude! I just caught a grenade!" BOOM! Caleb reloads, then sags to the ground as he gets shot once more. Mister Yong decides that his existing concussion grenade plan has thus far been pretty successful. He extinguishes the last guard with his last concussion grenade. Being Asian, he really appreciates the symmetry of the situation.
Mister Yong, having heard Bob's cries for help, runs up the stairs to help him. He is forced to make Athletics rolls to avoid slipping on all the blood. He reaches the top of the stairs in time to see Bob licking the blood off his vibro-ninja sword. Bob exults, "I am a ninja!" Mister Yong contradicts him, "I'm not sure about that. Ninjas are usually quiet and subtle, and you are neither." Bob looks around at the blood sprays festooning the walls and is forced to agree.
Goat Gulgusskun finishes stapling himself back together, then uses freaky psychic healing powers to completely heal himself in less than thirty seconds. He heads out into the field to pick up Caleb and heal him as well. He finds Caleb lying on his back in the grass. Caleb moans out, "Ohhh... Need two beers..." Goat tells Caleb, "Gee, Caleb! It looks like you have three light wounds! You might want to bite down on this leather strip for a second." Four rounds later, Caleb is totally uninjured, but fairly disoriented.
Bob searches carefully through the upper floor. He decides that the guards are probably defending a sealed room on the second floor. He and Mister Yong design a clever plan. Mister Yong will hurl a railroad spike through the window. Instants later, Bob will leap through the window and kill everything in the room beyond.
The spike flies in straight and true and makes a nice hole about four inches across through the... bulletproof glass. Bob rather desperately spends his one remaining experience point in an Emergency Die, but still impacts against the window and falls to the ground. He lands unharmed, right next to one of the few surviving guards. He looks up and sees another golf cart driving away from the house as quickly as it can.
Bob the Saurk yells up, "Yong! Stop that golf cart!" Yong makes a desperate attempt to grab the cart, but barely misses it. Bob the Saurk leaps to his feet and sprints after the cart.
Caleb looks and decides that he doesn't have a good shot at the cart. He tells Goat, "You want a shot of rambo? It gives you +1 die to Combat Sense and +5 Stamina, but it's highly addictive." Goat shrugs and holds out his arm. Caleb administers a dose to Goat, and another one to himself. Then they commandeer the second golf cart and take off looking for the fugitive golf cart. They find that they can simply follow the explosions.
One of the guards in the cart yells, "That saurk is throwing grenades! Shoot him!" Bob the Saurk dodges as the guards spray automatic fire in his direction. This activity distracts them from Mister Yong, who manages to land a flashbang grenade inside the golf cart. The flash blinds the driver. Czar Nicki throws the blinded driver out of the cart and takes his place.
Caleb and Goat round the corner of the building and suddenly get a good line of sight to the escaping cart. Goat decides that he probably can't hit anyone in the golf cart, so he shoots at the cart instead. He shatters the cart's engine with a blast of automatic weapons fire; the cart rolls to a thudding halt. Caleb yells back at Goat, unaware that he hadn't been shooting at the occupants, "See! I told you you wouldn't be able to hit Czar Nicki at this range!"
Mister Yong telekinetically lifts himself up and flies in towards the golf cart. One of the surviving goons decides that the flying man is more of a threat than the blood-soaked saurk. Mister Yong handily dodges and lands. Bob the Saurk moves in for the kill, covered by automatic weapons fire from Goat. He runs Czar Nicki down and cripples him with his stun baton. Mister Yong yells out, "Don't kill him, Bob! Don't kill him!" The one surviving goon tries to shoot Bob the Saurk from behind while taking fire from both Mister Yong and Goat. Mister Yong finally manages to trap the goon with a webgun net, but not before Goat inflicted a light wound and a deep wound upon him.
With Czar Nicki in hand, the characters quickly debate which way to go. Caleb suggests heading towards the house. Mister Yong and Goat oppose this notion, on the grounds that there are still a fair number of surviving security personnel and that the house is probably their assembly point. Then Caleb points out that there might be something incredibly valuable in the house.
Everyone heads for the house in the surviving golf cart. Along the way, Goat knocks Czar Nicki out with a sedative shot. Bob the Saurk calls up Liz Blessing on the com, "Liz! We need the Blue Lady in now! Hot LZ! Hot LZ!" While the characters wait on Liz's arrival, they gather up shotguns and 11mm SMG's from fallen guards. Mister Yong reclaims the zodiac with telekinesis. While the characters wait, they notice a fair amount of yelling and screaming around the main house. The characters rely upon Caleb to "suppress" it with his sniper rifle.
Liz comes thundering in low over the ocean, pulling up only instants before crashing the Blue Lady into the cliffs. Her arrival is preceded by the sounds of horrible Techno-Wagner music thundering from both the internal and external speakers. On the final approach, she discovers that Czar Nicki actually did have a guy with an anti-aircraft missile on staff, though he only manages to scuff the Blue Lady's paint job before he is taken out by an excessive amount of turret-weapon gunfire.
On the flight back to New Saigon, Caleb comments, "You know, Bob, if I ever become Planetary Governor I'm going to require that all your people wear tracking collars."
Each character gains four experience points, plus a Genre Point for taking Czar Nicki alive. Goat Gulgusskun spends nine experience points to increase his Defense skill to 3.