Tim (Anpago Yost) informs us that in addition to missing the game, he will also miss lunch. This turns out to have been the smartest decision he made all day. Chris (Tonk Sangaree) asks everyone else, "Where shall we go for lunch?" Bruce offers, "Maybe we could go to Delaware Subs?" Chuck (Darg Sangaree) suggests, "Qweez-noz haz a pepper baaar!" Paul suggests that mutant rat fetuses with snaggle-teeth make him queasy. He suggests Jason's Deli as an alternative. Billy (Mebble) offers no objection. Everyone eventually agrees.
We make the trek down to Jason's. Things start out badly when Chuck realizes that Jason's management has let far too much time pass since the last time they sprayed for rugrats. Then Chris and Billy point out that all his suffering is at an end: they have spotted the Most Wonderful Food Object: the Frito Pie! They can barely contain themselves as they tell the barely-aware clerk, "Frito Pie! We must have Frito Pie!" The clerk scribbles something down on a pad and accepts the crumpled, sweaty bills they thrust towards him.
Minutes later, we return home to consume. Chris opens his Frito Pie box and pokes around. He comments, "Gee, there isn't much chili on this." Billy concurs. Then Chris howls out, "There isn't any chili on this! And I told them onions and no jalapenos, and this has no onions but lots of jalapenos!" Made suspicious, Billy digs into the deepest extent of his Frito Pie and discovers that he also has no chili. Chris leaps into action, calling Jason's Deli to demand satisfaction. They put him on hold. He waits on hold. He waits on hold for quite a while. Then he borrows a cell phone and calls the deli again. This time, he gets a response. Billy notes, "Gee, they must think that cell phone calls are more important than regular calls: they responded to that one first." Chris finally manages to get the manager to agree that it was very unlikely that he and Billy had both ordered their Frito Pies without chili. He speculates rather openly upon what manner of deranged hillbilly might be inclined to think that Frito Pie without chili was worth the bother. The Jason's manager promises to send along replacement Frito Pies in only twenty minutes.
Forty-five minutes later, a driver shows up with two more Frito Pies. Billy prevents him from leaving until Chris verifies that there is, in fact, chili on these pies. Several minutes later, large portions of his stolid frame covered in chili, Chris is forced to agree with Chuck that his Frito Pie really wasn't worth $5.50.
The characters emerge from the darkness of the secret entry into bright darkness of the Forbidden City. They find they are all blinded by the light. Mebble announces, "I lay down suppressive fire!" He is informed that he cannot, because he is back at the top of the cliffs where the characters dumped him at the beginning of the last session. Mebble sulks and makes muttering noises about being the Angel of Death, and that the Time of Judgment is Nigh. Nobody pays him any heed.
Tonk Sangaree sends Longfellow Yost off to fetch Mebble from the top of the cliffs. Longfellow asks, "But how can I get him down?" Tonk rather blandly comments, "With all his gear and a full stomach, he only weights forty-three pounds. Just carry him." Longfellow exults, "I can carry Mebble? Are you serious? That would mean that I'm big enough to carry off small children!" Tonk cautions, "Don't get too excited, now..." Darg Sangaree adds, "Yeah. If you carry off a small child, you still need someone to clean and cook it for you. Unless you've finally decided that you can eat raw food now, like all the other eagles..." Longfellow sulks.
It turns out that Longfellow really can only glide down while carrying something of Mebble's weight. Halfway down the cliff, Mebble comments, "You know, I really need some more fletching for my arrows," and starts reaching for Longfellow's pinfeathers. Longfellow screeches out, "Don't touch those! You pluck those out and we all die!"
The characters find themselves in the base of a small natural amphitheater. Mebble reports from his observations of last night, "Last night the goblins had a big celebration down here. They sacrificed a lot of orcs. Some of them they fed to a huge thirty-foot spider. Some of them they cut their hearts out as a sacrifice to their gods. And the rest of them they turned into cattle feed." Tonk Sangaree asks, "What kind of spider? Was is a really energetic and vicious spider, or did it just lie there and slurp down orcs as if it were bored of them?" Darg Sangaree asks Tonk, "What difference does it make? The thing is thirty feet long!"
Tonk asks Mebble, "So, where did the big spider go?" Mebble responds, "Oh, it's in the temple now!" The characters decide to sneak past the temple, rather than hold with their earlier plan of killing everything in sight. Tonk makes sure everyone ties down their armor to keep it silent, and has some of the more flamboyantly equipped characters (Sister Chiron) cloaked down and filthed up. Darg announces, "I'm wearing orc armor! But it's magic orc armor!" Mebble snipes, "You better watch out when you clean it: you might wash away some of it's magic." To cap off the effect, Tonk uses Dust of Disguise to make himself look like Lord Rosh. The dust doesn't do anything to conceal sound, so he ends up looking exactly like Lord Rosh, but sounding exactly like a Panzer III.
Mebble mentions, "You know, Tonk, I've always been really attracted to you." Tonk howls, "Aieee! I'm blind! I'm blind!"
The characters wander past the Spider Temple. They can see an orc chained up, spread-eagle, awaiting his fate. Some sentries move out and challenge the characters. Tonk, in his guise as Lord Rosh, proclaims, "I came out to consult with the Voice of the Spider, but that's already happened so now I'm going back home." Longfellow clucks out, "Even to a bird that sounded pretty lame. Next time, just tell them to get out of your way..." Tonk responds, "That sounds better. Maybe I'll try that next time." None of this seems to matter: even though some of the goblin guards seem curious about Lord Rosh's circus-like entourage, none of them are at all interested in challenging him.
The characters arrive at the gates of Lord Rosh's compound. Tonk comments, "There are supposed to be jaguars behind the gates. Maybe Mebble can calm them down and let us go past." Mebble responds, "I think you're confusing me with my more effective Second Edition brethren. But I can give it a try."
The characters decide to move around to the Northwest section of the wall and scale it into a section of the compound that isn't occupied by jaguars. Sister Chiron casts a quick Silence spell upon an arrow and gives it to Tonk to help keep down the noise as he (and the other armored characters) climbs the wall. Longfellow takes a grappling hook and rope over the wall to help the others and then simply carries Mebble up to the walkway. The characters encounter two problems. The first is Watches-Birds-at-Dawn. Everyone agrees that he isn't going to be able to climb at all, so he should simply hide outside near a gate and wait for the characters to open it. The second is Sister Chiron, who is wearing plate armor, has no Climb skill and has a Strength of 8. Mebble comments, "She's not even climbing this wall naked." The characters decide to create a sort of sling arrangement for her and simply pull her up. Longfellow offers, "Awwk! Mebble! Knot the rope! Knot the rope!" Mebble sulks: even a stupid bird thinks it can give him advice. He wishes that he were more like his uncle Gobble, who was a Second Edition Ranger.
Mebble heads over to take a look at the nearby jaguars. He deduces that the creatures have been specifically trained to attack intruders. His Animal Empathy powers are not going to be useful against them.
Tonk and Darg clamber up next to Mebble on the wall. The three of them look down at the jaguars. They decide that there is only one thing to be done: shoot the creatures down with arrows. This works well for the first jaguar, but the second one jumps on top of the wall to attack Darg. Darg screams out, "How can these things do that? Why didn't either the druid or the ranger know that these things could do that? That really, really hurts!" Tonk doesn't bother with recriminations. He simply draws his greatsword and decapitates the creature. Kitty bits go flying. Darg is grateful that Sister Chiron's Silence spell prevented everyone from hearing him scream like a girl.
Tonk opens the gates and allows Watches-Birds to enter.
Lord Rosh has surprisingly good taste in housing. His villa is primarily made of wood, with stone supports. The characters notice that the doors are made of paper in wooden frames. Longfellow picks a door and proudly announces, "Hey guys! Watch me open a door!" Longfellow claws the door open. Darg rolls his eyes. Tonk looks up to the heavens and asks, "Why was I the one picked to act as parent to this lot? Why couldn't I have just run a warehouse back home instead?"
The characters walk into a kitchen. There are several rather nice statuettes around the walls. Mebble likes them, so he grabs one. Immediately the statuettes all start screaming, "Help! Help! Save us!" Tonk moves closer with the Silence-enchanted arrow to shut the things up. He gestures to Darg, "Get a shovel..." Mebble puts the statuette into his backpack. Tonk shakes his head in dismay.
And then the bats appear. A boiling bilious swarm of them pours out from the end of the corridor. Tonk sucks down an antitoxin while entertaining thoughts of rabies and scavenger sickness. Longfellow realizes that this would be a really good idea and pecks one open as well. And then the bats envelop Tonk and Darg. Things get even worse when they realize that Sister Chiron's undead sweetie is stomping down the hall right after his pet bats. He has a longsword out and looks really upset. The characters aren't able to tell if this is because he's mad at them, or just because dead people are often not very happy.
The bats start chewing Tonk and Darg to pieces. Darg steps aside from the bats and hits them with a Sound Burst. Mebble takes one look at the onrushing undead Paladin, mistakes his weapon for a lungsword ("It can cut your lungs out in a single strike!") and rather desperately hurls his tanglefoot bag down the corridor. The undead Paladin simply steps through the tanglefoot goo without particularly noticing.
And then Tomas Silverleaf steps out and casts a spell. Darg says, "Don't worry! He's just casting a protective spell!" He eats his words when it becomes clear that Watches-Birds is now under Tomas' control. Tonk speaks for the entire group when he says, "Holy ripping shit! Whoever has the picnic basket, they're going to be the one who dies first!" Watches-Birds strikes out at Longfellow, who sheds blood and feathers in his haste to get away. Longfellow sparks up the Wand of Flaming Sphere and sets Tomas Silverleaf on fire in retribution.
Tonk moves up past Mebble, who fails to thank him when the swarm of bats moves over to grab a bit of halfling ranger flesh.
Sister Chiron moves up and brings out her holy symbol. She calls out, "I bring down the power of Pelor!" The room is suffused with a sun-bright light. Which has no effect at all upon the undead Paladin.
And then the zombies show up. A whole crowd of them pours into the building behind the characters. Darg yells, "Hey, Sister Useless! If you're so good at turning undead, get your pretty ass to the rear and get rid of those!"
Mebble hits Tomas Silverleaf with two arrows. Silverleaf looks like he is in pretty poor shape: the characters can see him spitting up blood. In response, he pulls out a furry object from his cloak and throws it on the ground in front of Mebble. Tonk looks at it and yells, "Oh cool! Bag of Woodland Creatures!" The object turns into... A rat! There is much amusement.
The amusement continues when Tonk leaps in and manages to disarm the undead Paladin. It ends rather abruptly when Mebble realizes that he's less than fifth level and is thus subject to the undead Paladin's Terrible Terrible Aura of Fear. He promptly fails his Will save, drops his bow and runs in terror.
The undead warriors storm into the room, boxing the frantic Mebble off in the corner and threatening the rest of the group. Sister Chiron proves once again that shiny gold armor and a twiggy figure aren't her only virtues as she repeats her "power of Pelor!" trick and turns four undead warriors into puffs of dust. Their empty armor clatters to the ground. The other undead warriors are so impressed they leave off from slaughtering Mebble for a moment to clap.
Tomas Silverleaf decides that things are going poorly for him. He pulls out a wand and retreats around a corner. Meanwhile, Watches-Birds takes another swing at Longfellow. Longfellow gives momentary thanks that he is not yet dead, then sends his Flaming Sphere hurtling towards the undead Paladin. He is more than a little bit disappointed to see that the sphere fails to even exist next to the creature. He concludes that undead Paladins are well equipped with Spell Resistance. He also concludes he's had enough of being kicked around by his own animal companion. He sucks up an attack of opportunity to fly away from the bear.
The undead Paladin reflects upon how much he misses his sword as he bashes Tonk in the nose with his shield. Tonk gets a really nasty nosebleed, then strikes back to little avail. The two of them trade blows for a while until Sister Chiron turns around and hits the undead Paladin with a ray that hurts him badly enough that she takes him out. The bat swarm vanishes as soon as the undead Paladin falls to the ground.
Darg says, "Don't worry! I can stop the bear!" He pulls out his scroll of Charm Person or Animal, and then realizes that he can't cast spells that aren't on his spell list. And then Watches-Birds crashes into him and inflicts thirty-six points of damage. Darg wheezes as Watches-Birds hauls out his intestines as if they were colorful streamers. Tonk offers, "Oh yes, let's try to do subdual damage against the bear. Let's try to make friends with the bear..." And then the bear hugs.
Longfellow banks around and lands on Darg's slightly crushed shoulder. He quickly reads the spell off the scroll Darg is still attempting to hold out. Longfellow's spell works, preventing Watches-Birds from killing Darg on its next round.
The characters go through a session of healing. Longfellow drains down one wand of Cure Light Wounds and Darg expends a fair amount of power from the other wand to minimize everyone's' wounds.
Mebble eventually crawls back out of the larder, all recovered from his unnatural terror. He reports that the room is a larder containing bags of rice, big tubs of pickled vegetables, and hanging bunches of dried fruit.
The characters pick up the body of the undead Paladin for Sister Chiron.
Tonk runs up along the corridor as far as he can. What does he see? An eagle's ass. He realizes that the walls are all made of paper. He steps through the wall to his right and finds himself in a large hall with walls painted in pastel colors with scenes of jungles and cities under siege. A cushion, a low writing desk, and writing implements stand upon a low platform at the far end of the room
Tonk runs back to tell the other characters that he found a great hall, but couldn't find the druid. The characters gather up the rice paper parchment and the ink. The parchment in particular looks very nice.
The characters continue to ransack the building. They break in to one room that looks to have been Tomas Silverleaf's quarters. He has furnished the place very tastefully with a low mattress, a shrine of Obad-Hai and a chest of drawers. The characters don't even need to consult each other to agree to leave the shrine alone.
Tonk uses the plate in his ass to open one of the drawers. The drawers appear to contain Tomas Silverleaf's clothing and personal effects. The bottom drawer is locked. Longfellow examines it and says, "I think there's a magical trap on this." There is a debate. Darg announces, "I'll open it." He crowbars it open. It contains 100 platinum pieces.
The next room is also furnished as a bedchamber, but one occupied by someone with a much more sophisticated sense of style than your typical hardscrabble evil druid. The room is dominated by a huge poster bed. The bedframe is inlaid with precious stones and shells. The walls decorated with two squirrel paintings. The opposite corner of the room is occupied by a pile of silken cushions, placed there by someone who really knows how to lounge around. A small table stands against one wall. Two paintings on scrolls sit on top of it. The characters examine them and determine that they would really appeal to fans of Hieronymous Bosch. Then they check out the nightstand. They find a pair of spectacles that look like the sort that Lord Rosh wears.
Longfellow casts Detect Magic. His attention is drawn to a stand next to the outer door. He sees a large gold-bound book. It seems magical. Next to it is a platinum key with an orange tassel. The characters enter into a debate on whether or not they should take the book. It seems certain that it is some kind of trap. Mebble volunteers, "I'll pick up the book!" Tonk tells the little halfling, "Nice knowing you, guy." And heads for cover. Mebble waits until everyone else is out of blast radius, then takes the book. He doesn't die. Filled with confidence, he also takes Lord Rosh's spectacles.
Longfellow notices that there is a section of the house that has no doors. He points this out to the others. They are able to determine that the space can be entered through a sliding panel. Tonk proudly announces that he can find the panels because he's a carpenter.
The characters enter the hidden room rather cautiously. They find out that the place is a sauna. A bench on one wall faces an obviously magical painting on the other wall. Longfellow and Darg look upon it and see themselves in positions of authority over the rest of the party. Longfellow feels that he could easily assume control over the rest of the characters if he wanted. Darg feels the same. And then Tonk takes the picture off the wall and diminishes these feelings somewhat. Mebble notes that both Longfellow and Darg were egomaniacs before, so the painting only barely changed their behavior. The characters take the painting along with the plan of selling it to the younger son of some second-tier king.
Longfellow starts having vivid fantasies of making Mebble peel grapes for him while Tonk chases down mice for him. Darg thinks about making Sister Chiron into his personal consort. After fifteen minutes of watching Darg and Longfellow strutting around referring to everyone else as their "bitch", Tonk can't take it any more. He slashes the painting. So much for selling it on the open market.
The characters head out the way they came in. They head back over Crocodile Lake, using bugbear bodies to placate the crocodiles. Tonk comments, "What a fucked-up place." Darg chides, "Are you afraid to go into the temple and fight the spider?" Tonk, "I fucking well am!" Darg, "But the bigger they get, the weaker their poison." Mebble ignores his rangerly knowledge to comment, "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
The characters make it back to the pack animals with no incidents. Then they head back towards Highthrone with no delay. The goblin locals, not to mention Lord Rosh's more aware minions, are sure to know that something is up, and may have some trackers available.
It doesn't take long before a gang of Lord Rosh's wights intercepts the characters on the road. This is a serious problem because everyone is wounded, and most folks are just about out of spells. Mebble throws an Entangle onto the wights to slow them down, then Longfellow lays an Obscuring Mist to provide cover. The characters withdraw down the road to find a better tactical position.
Longfellow flies up over the top of the mist and expends three Flaming Spheres keeping the wights back. He clears out three of them, which gives Tonk enough time to find a good ambush location. Tonk finds what he wants in a switchback on the road, giving the characters a fine opportunity to pelt the oncoming wights with arrows and vials of holy water. Mebble takes this moment to announce that he has seven vials of holy water, and proceeds to hand them out like grenades.
The characters wait until the wights have approached into close range before letting fly with a volley of arrows and holy water. Mebble leads with two vials of holy water, but hits with neither of them. Tonk nails one particularly gnarled wight with an arrow. The creature staggers, prompting Tonk to crow out, "Arrows hurt them! Shoot them with arrows!" Sister Chiron fires up another of her popular Searing Light spells, dusting one of the trailing wights.
Mebble finally manages to douse a couple of wights with holy water. The other characters deduce that he purchased bargain-basement holy water: the wights take less damage than they would have if he had fired arrows at them. Longfellow manages to hit a couple of wights with Flaming Spheres, blanketing one of them and seriously injuring another. And then Darg rises to the occasion by sending two of them running with a turn attempt. He bows modestly and explains, "I didn't know I had it in me..."
The barrage continues with a variety of weapons: holy water, Flaming Spheres, and arrows. Mebble lands two arrows in one wight, changing it into a pile of dust and old chainmail. Darg nails another one. And Mebble dusts the last one.
The rest of the trip out of the Dark Forest is uneventful. Tonk spends the rest of the trip camping in Sister Chiron's tent. She's too busy camping out with Watches-Birds to need a tent. Mebble cautions, "Dude, remember what happened to her last boyfriend..."
Each character gains 3000 experience points. Just about everyone gets a level! Woohoo! Druid 5th for Longfellow!