Bruce (Grenville d'Tharashk) proclaims that World of Warcraft is evil because the linked CCG gives you special powerz in the game. Paul points out, "You haven't ever even played World of Warcraft. Why is this important to you?" Ernest (Kurgash d'Tharashk) howls out, "Kill! Kill!" Chuck (Graf) joins in the chorus. Pretty soon, everyone is jumping up and down on top of the table and shouting out, "Kill! Kill! Kill!" Chris (Varth Lokkur) points out, "You people had better cut all that out, or Arlo Guthrie's going to be down on your asses with a metric stompload of lawyers!" Peco (Solmar) asks, "Why do you think that Arlo Guthrie even has that many lawyers?" Everyone suddenly realizes that this whole exchange is completely ridiculous.
And as has become his habit, Tim (Lungpuncture) decides to show up to work rather than playing frivolous games.
An elven woman walks into the Fallen Angel. Varth Lokkur chirps out, "Woohoo! Hot elven sex!"
Kurgash pauses from his obsessive pull-ups to ask the others, "Do we have any elf to serve her? They're all cannibals, I hear."
Varth comments, "I see you've been putting extra ranks into your Knowledge (prejudice) skill again."
Kurgash is silent.
The characters' new bartender and old compatriot Thaiphong informs Grenville d'Tharashk that the elf woman wants to talk to the bounty hunters. Grenville heads over to talk to her. Kurgash looms over him protectively, like a mother hen concerned about one of her chicks facing off against a snake.
The elf woman turns out to be a servitor of the great lady Kalinaire Do'Larinthye of the line of Jaelion. The lady Kalinaire is in hiding from her enemies, and wishes to hire the characters. The servant will take the characters to her mistress if they agree to meet with her. Kurgash equips himself with his huge axe before heading out. He carries it over his shoulders, Vietnam M-60 style.
The elf woman takes the characters to Cliffside, to a nice little restaurant called Kavv's. Kurgash grunts, "I could eat a whole calf! Mmmm!" Sadly, the place doesn't appear to serve that sort of food. Though it does smell pretty tasty.
Graf asks the others, "Why do you people have this prejudice against cannibalism? It seems wasteful not to eat your dead. Circle of life, you know." Nobody chooses to dignify his question with an answer.
The servant leads the characters into the back of the restaurant, up the stairs and into a small sitting room furnished in the style of Aerenal. Graf sits down on a delicate-looking chair and discovers that elves build their furniture to last.
Kalinaire is waiting for the characters, seated impassively in the nicest chair in the room. She wears richly-dyed blue and green robes and a serenely beautiful alabaster facemask. She explains that her shop has been broken into. She knows the identity of the thief, but needs someone to find him and deal with them. He stole several dragonshard artifacts. She is a dealer in such things, catering to the needs of the extremely rich. The thief was a competitor of hers, one who possesses a fortified tower in Sharn. He has no army, but he is extremely paranoid and has many guards, perhaps as many as a dozen. They aren't human.
Kalinaire provides this riveting summary of the situation, then asks the characters, "Are you willing to take on this job?"
Grenville responds, "Yes. For ten grand."
Kalinaire considers, "Seems steep. How about five?"
Grenville talks her up to seven thousand. The other characters congratulate each other on persuading Grenville to get that brain transplant after the end of the last session.
Once the characters have agreed to take her commission, Kalinaire provides more specific details. The thief is Logri Gundaloon. He is a dwarf, his guards are dwarfs, and he lives in the dwarfish section of town. And not only is he a dwarf, he is also an unpleasant and exceptionally paranoid dwarf. He has some unpopular political beliefs, which has led Kalinaire to think that he might be associated with the Swords of Liberty. The artifacts he stole were recovered from Xen'drik; their purpose is unknown. She explains what they look like: four artifacts mostly made of unusual metals and dragonshards.
Varth asks, "Is it safe to touch them?"
Kalinaire replies, "It should be. I have handled them myself."
Graf asks, "And that's why you wear the mask? Are you horribly scarred?"
Kalinaire responds, "Oh no! This is a funeral mask! I wear it to honor my dead ancestors."
Graf rolls his eyes: these mortals and their goofy beliefs.
The characters notice that the dwarven part of town looks like it is all constructed of very heavy stonework, but is perched on top of other parts of town that don't look nearly so sturdy. They conclude that lots and lots of magic must be involved in keeping everything standing. Solmar, Varth and Graft go to take a look at the tower.
The only obvious access is a big door. The whole tower is only about thirty feet and three stories tall, which makes it hard to describe as an actual "tower". It is more of an annex to a larger building, placed upon a small plaza. The tower roof is of stone, defended with spikes and topped with an observation post.
Solmar reports, "It looks like a custom job."
Varth asks, "What tipped you off? The waterfall?"
Grenville wanders the neighborhoods, trying to learn information about both Lady Kalinaire and Logri Gundaloon. He finds out that Lady Kalinaire is a known dealer in dragonshards, catering to the wealthy. She sticks very strictly to the ways of the Aerenal elves. And everyone Grenville talks to is very insistent that she isn't a cannibal. Some folks do mention that something recently went down in her store: there was magical smoke drifting out of it one morning.
Grenville picks up somewhat less information about Logri Gundaloon. He I well-known as a merchant in imported goods. He imports them himself, so he knows lots of foreigners, especially the sorts that come from Xen'drik, Aerenal and the Argonnessen coasts. He is very paranoid: one dwarf mentions that Gundaloon has lots of arrow slits around his tower's roof, plus ports above the door so he can have boiling oil dropped on visitors.
Solmar volunteers to go alone to talk to Logri Gundaloon, ostensibly to get his opinion on an artifact the characters extracted from a skyship. He walks up to the tower and introduces himself to the guards. He has Graf and Kurgash behind him, carrying the artifact in a box Ark-of-the-Covenant style. The two guards are well-equipped and well-armed with dwarven war axes and crossbows. The guards tell Solmar that Gundaloon is off on a business trip. They claim that he should be back in a couple of weeks and suggest that Solmar should return then.
Solmar, unwilling to be dissuaded, presses the guards, "Is there anyone else I can negotiate with? It is a rare artifact and many people have expressed interest. I don't think I can wait two weeks."
Kurgash suggests, "Gundaloon's enslaved manticore would be happy to negotiate."
Graf does his best manticore cry, "Wraauwck!"
One of the guards offers, "Perhaps you could negotiate with one of Logri's trusted associates, the gnome Speenar."
Solmar agrees, "Perfect. But I warn you, no funny things."
The guard assures him, "We don't even know how to spell ‘funny'."
One guard leads Solmar and company into an antechamber. Both the front door and door beyond are heavily fortified. Solmar can't help but notice that there are arrow slits in all the interior walls, allowing defenders to perforate unwanted guests if they'd like. Kurgash and Graf notice that all the ceilings are only five feet high: both of them are forced to crouch uncomfortably. The place is also very noisy, thanks to the waterfall.
Solmar thinks that the floor of the entryway can be slid away, probably to reveal some unpromising pit.
Two guards accompany Solmar to a larger office on the second floor. A gnome and a dwarf are already there waiting for him. All the dwarfs seem to be wearing oddly-cut chainmail, chainmail cut perhaps as if it was made for someone else.
The gnome introduces himself as Speenar. He asks, "What did you bring to sell?"
Solmar opens the box.
Speenar squeals, "Oooh! Shiny! Is it safe to touch?"
Solmar replies, "I think so. I haven't tried myself."
Speenar takes it out. It burns coldly in his hands. "What does it do?"
Solmar shrugs, "It's an artifact."
Speenar presses, "What is it used for?"
Solmar explains, "We salvaged it from a flying fortress ship. Very valuable."
The little gnome seems a bit confused where to go next, "Uhhh... okay. Have you been able to use it?"
The little warlock on Solmar's shoulder whispers, "YES! It works great! It's worth fifty grand!"
Solmar ignores the warlock's words of wisdom and tells the gnome, "No, we haven't tried to use it. We don't have an airship on hand."
"Would you be willing to leave it here so we can get it properly identified?"
"What would be our collateral?"
The gnome goes on to explain that this isn't the way this kind of negotiation is handled. Then he offers to sell Solmar all manner of drow and giantish artifacts. His offer reaches a low point when he suggests, "I also have a collection of stone heads carved by the Xub-Xub people. Sure, they all look like Mister Potatohead on Crack, but I think you'll recognize their rustic charm."
Kurgash rumbles to Graf, "How much is your art?
Graf whispers back, "We sell it by the box. Ten gold a pound."
Speenar finally convinces Solmar that he needs to get his artifact appraised by a reputable artificer before he'll be able to sell it. He also drops that Logri Gundaloon is off in Xen'drik.
Solmar hunts down an artificer and gives him 210 gp for an appraisal. The artificer takes a look at it and tells him, "This is a really bizarre artifact. Did you get it from Droaam? It's a version of the Wheel of Wind and Water, but instead of using the power of a dragonmark to work it harnesses the power of hags. You need a trio of hags to make it work, but it will allow control of an airship or increase the speed of a mundane ship. Nominal value is maybe 8000 gold."
Varth points out, "You know, we're going to have so much trouble selling this."
Graf guesses, "I bet there's only two of these, and one was just recently stolen by a gang of adventurers."
The characters decide they have lost patience with the subtle approach, so they device a cunning plan. Solmar and company will return to Gundaloon's tower to talk, but bring along Grenville, Varth and Cutter Gerald under cover of Invisibility.
They get in without complication and have another little chat with Speenar. The gnome isn't too impressed with the results of the appraisal. He tells them, "So, this doesn't look very useful. I'll give you a thousand for it."
Solmar insists, "I want ten thousand! And some ale! And some hookers!"
Varth wonders, "Why is he tormenting that poor gnome in his last moments of life?" He shoots an eldritch bolt at a nearby dwarf. Varth notices that the dwarf's skin starts to buckle as he grimaces in pain. His face turns ugly and demonic.
Kurgash yells, "Look out! Demonic dwarfs!"
Solmar is amazed, "It's like a cross between Richard Nixon and a Predator!"
Graf crawls on his knees at a dwarf and swings at him.
Kurgash announces, "I'm going to try something clever! I push the table into the dwarf and Speenar!"
Solmar cautions him, "Remember! Dwarfs are known for stability!"
Kurgash, "But not gnomes! And not orcs, either! Wraaaugh!"
Graf yelps, "And I'm in the way too!"
Kurgash demands, "And this is my problem how, Armored Lad?" He bowls over Speenar, then moves to loom over the poor fellow.
The dwarves and Speenar all take a moment of quality time to transform into their demonic forms. Graf notices that the dwarfs are not just fighters: the one he's facing hits him with a Hold Person, which he just barely manages to evade. Another demonic dwarf steps up behind him to hit him to little effect. Varth lasers the dwarf down for his trouble.
Kurgash decides that things are starting to get way out of hand when one of the demonic dwarfs bites him and forces him to make a Fortitude save. He demands, "When does the orcish kick murder squad get to go?"
Cutter Gerald steps up behind another dwarf and backstabs him. Critically. The dwarf-thing staggers, but doesn't yet fall. Grenville starts singing and dancing.
Graf advances upon the spellcasting demonic dwarf and punctures him again and again with his Rapier of Puncturing. The spellcasting demonic dwarf turns a demonic shade of pale and sickly.
Kurgash cuts Speenar into two pieces. He is amazed, "But I only did twenty-five points of damage! What, is he made out of tissue paper or something?"
Varth explains, "He's some kind of sorcerer-rogue! He can't stand up to that level of punishment!"
Kurgash scoffs, "Oh, pshaw! He's only at -2! He's just a single Cure Light Wounds from spilling his guts!"
The dwarf injured by Cutter steps over and chews on Solmar. Solmar is fine, except for all the damage. Then Solmar responds by touching the dwarf with a Shocking Grasp and making his brain explode.
Cutter Gerald steps up to execute the demon dwarf Kurgash had been "fencing" with. This leaves only one demonic dwarf left, fighting with Graf. Varth yells, "Get the lead out, you lazy ro-bot!" Varth responds by inflicting 21 points of damage and stealing 2 points of CON. The demonic dwarf collapses.
Then Kurgash cuts the table in two. WHAM! Varth mourns, "But we could have sold that..."
Grenville heals Speenar, then allows Kurgash to bind him up in masterwork manacles. Kurgash wonders, "So why are they all demonic?"
Grenville speculates, "It is possible that these guys have a curse on them, but it's equally possible that they're some kind of hybrid demonic creature. Or they might be born this way, but I've never heard of a race like this. Demon dwarfs, maybe. But demon gnomes too? That's just too much of a coincidence."
Nobody else is interested in Grenville's theories. They're much more interested in counting up the loot, which includes:
The demon-dwarf cleric is carrying a holy symbol for some kind of demonic cult, but nobody wants to describe that as "loot".
Grenville handles the interrogation of Speenar. The first thing he learns is that the gnome's full name is Speenar the Unlucky.
Through the doors! Speenar the Unlucky goes first, and very tentatively. Kurgash tells him, "If anybody asks, we're an elite Swords of Liberty hit squad."
Speenar replies, "I doubt anyone will believe that."
The other half of the floor is a dining room and barracks. Grenville uses Locate Creature to pick out the nearest demonic dwarf, then vectors Kurgash and Graf in on them. As the two characters approach, demonic dwarfs spring out at them with crossbows. They're backed up by the Big Imp. The characters quickly realize that "big" is very relative: normal imps are Tiny; this one is Small: comparatively huge, but still only three feet tall.
Graf leads out by charging the left flank. He gores the dwarf he finds standing there. The dwarf staggers back, trailing gray loops of intestines. Varth protests, "You dwarfs are supposed to be tough! But you explode like dynamite! What's wrong with you?"
Varth decides that the Big Imp needs to be dealt with quickly. He zaps the creature.
Kurgash flies into a rage and starts carving his way through the right flank. He howls at the Big Imp, "Can you smell what Kurgash is cooking? I'm Captain Insano!" The Big Imp is shaken. Demonic dwarfs swarm around Kurgash and work at chopping him into hamburger.
The Big Imp tells Graf, "Your friends behind you have already been corrupted by demonic magic! You must turn and deal with them!" But this time, Graf finds that he isn't fooled by the imp's Charming ways. He laughs as he stabs right and stabs left. One dwarf looks badly wounded. The other looks lightly wounded.
Solmar steps up and tries to zap the Big Imp with an Empowered Shocking Grasp. But he misses.
Varth points out, "You realize that you only need to make a ranged touch attack to hit with that? It should be really easy. Here, watch how I do it." The warlock snakes the Big Imp with a Maximized Eldritch Bolt. The Big Imp goes down.
Kurgash practically vanishes behind a flurry of dwarf attacks, but emerges almost unharmed. Graf looks over to remark, "If your skin was made out of metal, you could ignore their attacks just like I do!" A demonic dwarf screams in frustration as he watches his axe slide off Graf's impervious hide.
Solmar does another Shocking Grasp against a demonic dwarf. The dwarf lights up like a torch. His eyes glow. Solmar follows up by zapping another dwarf. He chirps, "How do you like them apples! Haha! I can make dwarfs light up just like lightbulbs, and I'm better looking than the warlock!"
Varth mumbles something about dwarfish complexions being like mangy warthogs as he contributes another eldritch blast. His target staggers, but doesn't fall.
Cutter Gerald runs up to attack a demonic dwarf. His attack doesn't do well, but he does suck up two attacks and drops instantly. Grenville howls, "Cutter! Don't die yet! I'm going to heal you!" Then he does, and Cutter gets back up. Varth rolls his eyes.
Graf steps in and cuts down one dwarf. Unsatisfied, he turns his Rapier of Puncturing to "desiccate" and sucks 6 CON out of another one. The luckless dwarf shrivels and dies. Kurgash finishes the last two.
Kurgash comments, "We need to stabilize all these guys so we can have a mass Swords of Liberty hanging! Just picture it: twelve nooses all in a row! Wouldn't that be something?"
Varth mentions, "These guys have poisonous bites! Do we have to bring them back alive?"
Kurgash quickly binds the wounds of all the incapacitated demonic dwarfs. He dreams of eating fried chicken and listening to carnival music while Swords of Liberty get hanged. This time around, the loot includes:
The characters search the mess hall. They find some very soldiery-looking eating utensils with names and whatnot engraved in them. The sergeant had nicer utensils, but still nothing that you could sell at a flea market.
The next room is just the kitchen. The cooking fire has apparently been out for quite some time, leading the characters to suspect that demonic dwarfs don't need to eat.
Off to the other side the characters find a bathroom and a dragonshard-powered item that pumps water. Varth is amazed until he realizes that smallish dragonshards are not actually that valuable. Solmar thinks it's worth about 7000 gold, but it weighs 500 pounds.
The top floor appears to be the main defensive area of the tower. Kurgash goes first and sets off the trap. A flask of acid drops from above and burns both Kurgash and Graf. They are starkly amazed by the DC's required to evade the flask, and even more amazed by the paltry damage it does.
The whole top floor is pretty much one big room. There are four automatic ballistae around the perimeter. Casks of tar and oil stand near the fireplace, along with a cauldron. There are lots of weapons stacked all around.
Kurgash comments, "We need to crate this stuff up and ship it all out."
The cupola turns out to be rotating, powered by hydraulics. It has another automatic ballista in it. Everyone is quite glad that they decided to attack the tower by stealth, rather than by frontal assault.
With the promises of the upper floors exhausted, the characters venture downwards. They find a cloakroom and sleeping quarters on the first floor. The sleeping area includes several curtained-off bunkrooms for the dwarfs. Each has two beds and some other furnishings. One of them has a dwarf in it. Kurgash alerts the others, "Behind the arras! Arras! A rat!" He charges. Several pieces of dwarf rattle across the floor.
Varth pokes his head in and observes the situation. He tells the others, "Oooh. I'm not cleaning that up." The loot from the area includes:
Stairs downward lead to a big storeroom. There is a barred door to the west; the room beyond contains thirty-odd boxes and some casks. There is also a door to the east. The room beyond looks like it might be a storeroom for the shrine. The characters find robes, candles, incense, and body parts from animals and humanoids, all of them dwarf-sized. Solmar finds a set of glass jars containing powdered gemstones. Cutter finds a mysterious box; it sounds like there's something moving inside. Nobody wants to open the box.
The characters suddenly realize that Speenar has escaped. Nobody was paying attention to him.
The characters quickly inspect the chapel, the library, a set of dirty dishes, and Logri Gundaloon's rather messy, stinky and disorganized bedroom. They bypass a crossbow trap, find a carved ivory plaque that looks like a spell component of some sort, and find a door that leads out of the tower to a shallow landing with a tremendous view of the city.
The characters hire an air-truck service from the bad side of town to cart off all the stuff they want from the compound. They take everything that doesn't strike them as poisonous. Or demonic. Or nailed down.
Graf takes the mysterious box with moving things inside, even though nobody else wants any part of it. He announces that he's going to open it up. Grenville casts Protection from Evil on him, then everyone clears out of the way. Graf opens the box quickly to find two cute little cockatrices inside. He closes the box and tells the others what he found.
Varth curses, "They're like King Midas' fucked-up chickens!"
Graf is hopeful, "They turn things to gold?"
Varth corrects him, "No, rock."
Kurgash reflects, "That's fucked up."
Each of the 6th level characters gain 2580 experience points. Varth Lokkur goes up to Warlock 6. He's ever so happy because his eldritch blast goes to 4d6 damage and his damage resistance improves to DR 2/cold iron.
Each of the 7th level characters gain 2065 experience. Grenville d'Tharashk notes that he hasn't yet reached 8th level, and due to that Cutter Gerald is still stuck down at 5th level.